SCENE: A LARGE COMPUTER STORE, ANYWHERE
JOE PUBLIC Hello. I am interested in buying a new computer and want the best that money can afford. Can you help me?
SALESMAN You have certainly come to the right place. Would you like a 587 or an FX53? Both use excellent microprocessors from Intel and from AMD but the Intel one is better because it is more expensive.
JOE PUBLIC Ah. I have heard of the 586. Is the 587 a faster version of the 586? I had heard that Intel had got rid of numbers and substituted them with names such as Pentium, Pentium Pro, Pentium II, Pentium III, Pentium IV, Pentium V, Pentium V with Tejas Elements, Merom I, Merom II, Merom III, Pentium IV with Mobile Detachments and SSE3, plus Pentium III with Centrino Extensions including the awesome power of the Sentryno?
SALESMAN No. It's quite simple. Intel has recently given us guidance on how to make things easy for the consumer, based on a unique numbering system it has invented in its research and development labs. The higher the number, the better the chip. For example, the Intel 597 is better than the Intel 587, while the Intel 697 is better than the 597. It's all to do with something the engineers call "Megahurts", you see.
JOE PUBLIC Oh. So what clock speed does the 777 run at?
SALESMAN A 777 is a kind of aeroplane made by Boeing and we don't sell that sir.
JOE PUBLIC I have heard that AMD CPUs will run Microsoft Word faster than Intel chips. Please tell me about machines using these.
SALESMAN The first thing to know is that AMD's "Megahurts" are cheaper than Intel's. As you and I know, sir, in this world you get what you pay for.
JOE PUBLIC Nevertheless, please indulge me. I have heard that some machines use something called AMD64, and that they come with various numbers of pins. By putting in extra pins or removing surplus pins, that will help your "memory", and allow for a "more vibrant" computing experience. Is this true?
SALESMAN It's easy for a first time buyer to get confused, as you are obviously doing. The number of pins on a chip is nothing to do with the "Megahurts" of a computer. No. The number of pins on a chip depends on the socket in what we experts call "motherboards". The chip manufacturers are constrained by the makers of these sockets, and these people have an interest, because they're in an unholy alliance with the pin manufacturers, and force Intel and AMD to add ever more pins to future generations. The number doesn't matter, it's the "Megahurts" that matter.
JOE PUBLIC I have heard that the Awesome Power of the Sentryno will result in a fast booting, cool system which will allow me to run Microsoft Notebook at optimum speed. Could you show me one of these, please?
SALESMAN Those do not work in desktops, sir, because the chips do not have the right number of pins on them. They only use 478 pins and that means the "motherboards" will flap around in the kind of large desktop case you want to buy.
JOE PUBLIC I would like to buy an Intel Pentium 4, model number 478, with Hyperscreaming, Hyperthreading, Hyperchannelling and with a 478 system bus. Do you sell one of these?
SALESMAN I'm afraid not sir. You might like to try SNAFUs, just down the road. µ
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